After doing some fun questionnaires tracking down my old dolls, lately I've really been considering just what it is that I get out of collecting dolls to begin with. Actually, I think about it every so often, and come to a new conclusion every time. Sometimes I think I'm so lucky to be part of such a fun hobby, sometimes I think it's a completely frivolous waste of money and only causes me distress. I decided to do a lot of digging through my emails, accounts, and journals, and trace my factual personal history with dolls so that I can better understand how I got here to begin with. I'm fighting with my memories a little here but I think this is the most accurate chronology.
My second first BJD.
I first discovered BJD when I came cross the Luts website some kind of way, probably around 2010~2012. I used to think it was linked on StumbleUpon but now I kind of doubt that that was the case, too niche. But I thought they were the most amazing things I had ever seen. I failed to bookmark the website, probably because I was on the family computer and maybe I wasn't allowed to, and forgot about Luts for a long time.
Toward the end of my middle school years, my weeb tendencies dictated that it was inevitable that I would end up interested in lolita fashion. F Yeah Lolita was my main guide, and reading the BJD 101 article sealed my fate. In my free time, between reading /cgl/ shitposts and practicing the LOVE&JOY dance, I was looking at photos of dolls. On Flickr, on Tumblr (this is how I found Kinoko Juice!), on dA. They were all so pretty!! I hadn't quite joined Den of Angels yet, it was full of elitist bullies that only accept Volks dolls! So I got all of my BJD knowledge from arguably less reliable sources. But of course eventually I had to turn to DoA. Everyone does.
I think my first mistake was not using DoA for anything more than the "dolls under $300" list. For whatever reason, the advice for beginners at the time was to get a starter doll. "That way you don't have to spend a lot of money if the hobby isn't right for you!" This advice is so fucking stupid. If you've already fallen in love with a doll, the hobby is right for you. I get it, some of these people probably ruined their first doll trying an overly ambitious mod, or maybe they had some buyer's remorse for dropping a ton of money on their first doll only to not like it very much. The only acceptable "starter" dolls are standard models from Volks and even then I'd caution against it if it's not the doll you've fallen in love with.
In any case I ended up with a Fantasy Doll Amber. She was cheap, not that ugly for a cheap doll the way Resinsoul is, and I figured she would scale well with my small Re-ment collection at the time. With the way everyone describes receiving their first doll, my expectations were very high. I thought for sure rainbows and butterflies and fireworks would come out of the box when I opened it. But the box just had a doll. Out of me probably came "...oh."
I tried really hard to like this doll, I really did. This doll was terribly shiny. A weird orange-y color. Her stringing sucked. A 1/6 with non-standard proportions is nearly impossible to dress properly. I thought, maybe it's her faceup that I don't like? I think I used Krylon as sealant, and that was a huge mistake. All of my attempts to make her better made me more frustrated and disappointed. I never even named this doll.
But I wasn't ready to give up on dolls just yet. I went back to Luts, fell in love with every other doll available at the time, Bory especially, and bought Tiny Delf Peter instead because only tinies were in my budget. I properly joined Den of Angels (which required you to email them to get an account at the time!) and proudly showed off my new first BJD! My new first was neither a beautiful girl or a handsome boy, and honestly not that cute. But I actually really liked my little doll. Tinies are kind of boring though? I was still dissatisfied. I wanted to go a little bigger. KikiPop was originally released in 2015, and I was completely satisfied with them for a while. One of the first dolls I fell in love with was Kiki, so of course I was fine with these! But...they are not BJD.
So I learned no lessons. Up until 2018, I was a revolving door collector. The complete list of dolls and parts that passed through my hands over this period of time, in order:
- Bluefairy SF Benjamin
- Bluefairy SF Leila Valentine
- Bluefairy SF Shirley Head
- DollPamm Ivi
- PeaksWoods FOF Dorothy Young head
- Luts Summer Event 2017 head
- Little Monica Sweet Little Sarubia head
- Luts Winter 2016 Senior Delf
Of course I sold my Tiny Delf, too. Please do not doxx my ebay account!! As a revolving door, I only had a couple at a time. I'd sell them for new dolls (or heads). I was so quick to sell that a few of these I have next to no recollection of them at all. A Peakswoods head was especially surprising, because it isn't my taste at all. But let me defend myself for a second! Two of the 4 heads were free!! And in the case of my Bluefairies, I sold their original bodies with the intention of upgrading when the new ones released...and then didn't. I'm not entirely sure why I cycled through the others, though. Maybe there were just too many choices that it was impossible to narrow down what I really wanted. Maybe because one of my old roommates went 😬 when I showed my doll and I was ashamed to have them to begin with. But my choices in purchasing makes me think I really just wanted to hybrid and experiment cheaply. Ironically, this is such a needlessly expensive way to do it, as I almost always had to incur a loss to sell more quickly to afford the next doll. If I was just a little more patient, I could have had just one of the other dolls I liked a little more.
Some of these other dolls include RaMcube Camill and Ripo, Luts Senior65 Black, Daydream Ryan and Grace, Bambicrony Roko, DollPamm Moe Hina, Volks The Black Cat Renee, and Unoa monster skin chibis, which really hurt to have to pass on, but I already knew by then that I hate shiny resin. I warmed up to Volks around 2017 and pretended to place online FCS orders every time the order period opened up, but I really couldn't justify the cost. I was deadset on hybriding a Migidoll Mir head on a Model Delf body but Migi's 1/4 heads were discontinued at the time and I couldn't be bothered to look secondhand. The others weren't purchased for some reason or another, though interestingly some of them aren't too far off from my tastes now. But I couldn't have known that at the time. Of course you can't possibly have every doll you've ever loved, and given the opportunity, I'm not sure I'd buy any of them now!
I think the main reason for my poor spending habits was that I'd build up this project for a doll in my head and get frustrated when it didn't seem it would work out. Or I'd be scared to try to begin with. I had a lot of stress in my personal life, so I'd try to take solace in my dolls, only to stress myself out even more. My self-torture didn't end until 2019, when things finally started to just work out for me. I was more sure of myself, and could approach things with less of a perfectionist mindset. Of course, I still tried to sell my Model Delf originally purchased in 2016. This actually was a doll I fell for, and luckily I still own! Though...I've since modded the head and upgraded the body. It's a bit of a Ship of Theseus situation but in any case I'm glad I didn't sell because I'd surely be regretting it. And I saw that Kinoko Juice was finally selling their dolls on Etsy around this time, so I planned to purchase one if I saw one I wanted without hesitation.
Well, it's unfortunate that the following year, I felt like I was kicked down a flight of stairs and right back where I started, ~mEnTaL hEaLtH~ wise. Obviously 2020 was a hard year for everyone. But I knew that if nothing else...I wanted to have dolls that I really loved. So I bought my grail doll, Kinoko Juice Jill. I really was happy. Those feelings you're supposed to have with your first doll finally came to me, six or so years after they were due.
I've acquired many dolls in the last two years! Now, I can afford exactly the dolls I want, with full confidence that it's one I want, and that I have the ability to do what I want with it, so I never hesitate anymore. Sometimes I do feel like I took too long to get to this point, and that it makes my collection less "special" since I didn't grow up with it. But I wonder if I'd even have the dolls now that I love very much without the experience of doing everything wrong first? Maybe I just wasn't ready for them quite yet. I suppose if I had been able to listen to the much better advice of only buying the dolls you love the absolute most, it would have taken me just as long to get here anyway! My dolls really feel like theyre "mine" now, I enjoy customzing them a lot, and I don't feel any pressure to make them especially unique or copy any trends anymore. Despite how quickly I grew my collection over the last two years, I actually don't fall in love with dolls as often as I used to. So I hope all of my current dolls will be with me for a long time!